Is It Normal to Argue Everyday In A Relationship?

Strategies for Turning Conflict into Connection

We’re often led to believe that happy relationships are effortless and devoid of conflict, and that arguing is a sign of troubled waters. After all, true love should always be “easy,” right?

While this idea may sound nice in theory, is it really that simple? I often hear concerned couples asking the million dollar question: is it normal to argue everyday in a relationship?

In reality most people would agree that disagreements between loved ones are inevitable, especially within the confines of a close and intimate relationship.

And while there is some merit in noting how often lovers are quarreling, entirely gauging the health of your relationship on this point may not paint a complete picture.

Arguments: An Alternate View.

Going through tense moments with your partner can be challenging, and experiencing an increase in conflict can often leave you wondering if these are signs of bigger issues ahead.

While it may be easy for the mind to go down this path, there’s an alternative: Rather than simply focusing on how often you and your partner argue, paying attention to how you argue can give you a much better sense of how the relationship is going.

How do you feel after an argument? Do you feel closer? Did it help you learn something new about each other? These are signs of growth and can give clues that your relationship is moving in the right direction.

Three Strategies for Making the Most of Arguments.

Instead of seeing arguments as something to be avoided at all costs, approach them as opportunities to recalibrate and deepen your understanding of one another.

While putting this into practice can sometimes feel easier said than done, here are a few simple strategies to help get you there:

• Practice listening. Too often we argue to be heard, when in reality we need to become better listeners. If you catch yourself only waiting for your turn to talk while your partner is sharing, challenge yourself to pause and refocus on what they’re saying. Why are they so upset? What nerve was triggered for them? Be curious, ask questions, and most importantly, take turns.
  
  A simple but effective exercise can be alternating between "speaker" and "listener" roles, where you each get a chance to express your feelings without being interrupted. The goal here is to understand your partner's perspective, not to prove that they're wrong.
  
  

• Focus on feelings. When it’s your turn to share, how you express yourself is also very important. Keeping things focused on how you're feeling rather than on what the other person is doing is a useful conflict resolution strategy. Avoid criticism, as it will almost always lead to defensiveness and a breakdown in the conversation.
  
  One way to achieve this is by using "I-statements," which can help your partner feel less attacked and can keep the conversation moving forward. Stating "I feel sad when you don't text me" is much more effective than simply stating “you never text me,“ as it allows your partner to stay focused on your feelings rather than getting caught in the trap of simply defending their actions.
  
  

• Set the tone. Lastly, be mindful of how difficult conversations are brought up. According to The Gottman Institute, how a conversation starts in the first three minutes is a strong predictor of the overall outcome of the relationship. Higher levels of negative emotion can really make a dent in longterm connection, so take the time to express yourself in a way that sets you both up for success. How do you do this? Be mindful of your tone, avoid leading with criticism, and speak about your feelings as much as possible.

When to Seek The Support of a Couples Therapist.

If you've been trying to implement better conflict resolution strategies but have been unsuccessful, it might be time to seek professional support. Couples therapy is a great way to learn new skills that can help turn conflict into connection.

A good couples therapist can help you identify the issues keeping you stuck, while providing new strategies to help you effectively work through them.

If you’re currently searching for counseling on relationships, I would be honored to explore the possibility of working together. You can read more about Tavio’s couples counseling services here, or visit this page to self-schedule a complimentary 20-minute phone consultation today.