How To Fix Poor Communication In a Relationship

The Hidden Language Impacting Your Communication

Knowing how to effectively express yourself is an essential skill, and is often a top goal of clients who are seeking to fix poor communication in a relationship.

Good communication involves being able to accurately convey your thoughts and feelings when needed, and for many people this is often understood as simply choosing the right words.

But what if I told you that words can sometimes account for less than 10% of good communication?

While skillful verbage is an important tool to sharpen, beneath what’s spoken lies another hidden language of equal importance, commonly referred to as metacummunication.

A term coined by Gregory Bateson, metacommunication is a secondary level of communication that includes body language, tone, facial expression, eye contact, stance, touch, and other nonverbal cues.

These cues help give shape and meaning to your words, and can work to either support the message you’re trying to convey, or confuse it.

Different Types of Communication: Hearing vs. Feeling.

To best understand how metacommunication impacts conversations, we must first discuss how it works.

Metacommunication is an unspoken language that provides powerful insight into a person’s emotional state.

It typically happens on an unconscious level and is something that is felt as opposed to heard. While words are interpreted cognitively, nonverbal cues “speak” with emotions.

When the verbal and nonverbal messages are aligned, the listener is left with a sense of congruence and the intended meaning is received. Alternatively, when verbal and nonverbal messages are out of sync, the listener is left with mixed signals and confusion ensues.

In these scenarios, research shows that nonverbal cues heavily outweigh the verbal message, often accounting for more than 90% of the message the listener receives.

For example, when my wife asks me if I want to go to the movies and I reply with a tepid “sure” accompanied by a shoulder shrug and a grimace, my verbal message is saying “yes” but my metacommunication is saying the opposite. Left with an out of sync answer, my wife will likely walk away sensing that I’d rather spend the evening doing something else.

How to Master the Art of Expressing Yourself.

Putting this all together, how can understanding metacommunication help you?

Communication can be broken down into three primary elements: words, voice (pitch, pace, tone, and volume), and body language. Effective communication brings equal attention to all three of these elements, working to ensure that they remain in sync as much as possible.

Learn to become aware of your communication patterns and practice identifying moments when your voice or body language may be conveying a different message as compared to your words.

If you find this happening frequently, get curious about the why. Is something making you uncomfortable about speaking your truth? Are you truly being honest with your listener, and with yourself?

If not, explore ways to correct this and improve your comfort in openly expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs. Doing so will align your communication across all elements and help you become a master at expressing yourself when you need it most.

Need more support improving your communication skills? Book a complimentary 20-minute phone call with me today to explore how therapy can help you become the best version of yourself.